« Back to Kaizen's blog
Oh great Masters of Divinity, show me the ways of Captain Falcon
[Old copypasta from GameFAQs. Topic link is dead. Credit for "Captainian" commandments goes to MinjoMaster. Writer of "Falconian" commandments unknown.]

Whether you be of Captainian or Falconian belief, we are all his holy children, and are to properly demonstrate our faith in him.

The Ten Captainian Commandments of Maining Captain Falcon

1. Thou shalt not attack thy opponent without asking them to show you their moves, or to COME ON!

2. Thou shalt not attack a taunt spammer, for they are the chosen people of the Captain, and are afforded his sacred protection. Do not harm them, lest you anger Captain Falcon.

3. Thou shalt not bemoan the Captain's tier standing, and blame him for a loss. It was not Captain Falcon who was too weak, it was thou.

4. Thou shalt always spam "SHOW ME YA MOVES" whenever the crowd chants for the Captain, as a sign of acknowledgement to all of his loyal fans. Thou shalt also spam this taunt if the camera is zoomed in on the Captain from a Tingle Assist Trophy.

5. Thou shalt let any Kirby who wishes to inhale and copy the Falcon Punch do as he pleases. However, if thou is attacked by this Kirby, Captain Falcon's swift judgment must be delivered to him, as he has broken the sacred bond of Master and Pupil, and shall pay for his foolishness.

6. Thou shalt not land a Falcon Punch or Knee of Justice without immediately asking thy opponent to show you their moves, unless thou has a chance to perform a Sacred Combo, in which case the taunt must be performed as soon as thou hast finished.

7. Thou shalt respect thy father, Ganondorf, as thou would respect a fellow Captain Falcon.

8. Thou shalt not allow a spammer to not show the Captain their moves if he has asked them to. If the spammer insists on using the same move, thy fury must be delivered swiftly and with good aim to the spammer until they agree to show the Captain the rest of their moves, or are killed.

9. Thou shalt use the Falcon system of measurement.

10. Thou shalt lead children along the path of the Falcon by showing them thy moves as capably as thou can, and leading them to believe that using Captain Falcon is the way to victory.

Whether we be of Captainian or Falconian belief, remember that we are all blessed as his holy children, and as siblings, we are to uphold his will, whichever kind you may believe it to be.

The Divine Tenets of Falcon: The Code to Live By
The Ten Falconian Commandments of Maining Captain Falcon

Mandate One: Always choose the pink uniform.
Captain Falcon is no ordinary man. Ordinary men look abhorrent in any form of pink outfit. Such men are not manly men; only the manliest man of all the men that have ever manned may wear the rightful colors of the Holy Punch. It is your Punch-given duty to do so.
Addendum: Should you not be able to choose the pink uniform for any reason, you must imagine that you are wearing the uniform. This is the only acceptable solution.

Mandate Two: Honor your enemies and always command at the start of an encounter.
There is no exception to the rule. Even should your enemy come at you with all of his might, the moves must be commanded to be shown. If your foe challenges you in return, then he is worthy of your Holy Punch and Knee of Justice.
Addendum: The charging of the Holy Punch or the direct challenge is also accepted.

Mandate Three: In a random encounter, Falcons must not come to harm one another.
In the event that only Falcons meet, they all must kneel, as one is not greater than the other.
Addendum: Should a Falcon harm another Falcon, the harmed Falcon is allowed one free attack to the aggressor Falcon. This attack must be relatively equal to his current damage status. In the event that a Falcon is felled by another Falcon, then the Falcon that was wrongfully attacked has the right to fell the aggressor Falcon without any obstruction. This addendum may be disregarded should the victim Falcon not seek vengeance.
Second Addendum: Since this scenario in a timed match will most likely lead to a SUDDEN DEATH, the event must be handled in a manner so favored by the Holy Punch. In this case, the only action permitted is by commanding moves to be shown. There will be no movement. There will be no dodging. There will be only the sanctified command— even when the bombs fall. The bombs are the will of the Holy Punch and will sort out the weak from the strong.
Third Addendum: In stock matches, suicide by Holy Punch is the only acceptable option. The last Falcon left is, obviously, the true victor.
Fourth Addendum: There is but one way to honor this rule and still engage in this gladiatorial combat. Should all Falcons come to agreement, the only maneuver permitted is the Holy Punch. This is out of respect for one another. Recovery techniques are forbidden.

Mandate Four: When a Falcon fells an opponent, all Falcons present must command.
All Falcons in the event have an equal part to play in the attack, and so they all must command for moves to be shown.

Mandate Five: Remember the Holy Punch and keep it so.
The Holy Punch is only as strong as the Falcon using it. The Holy Punch is never at fault, but rather the arm extending it. There is no Falcon without the Holy Punch. There is only one absolute, and that is the Holy Punch.

Mandate Six: In any lapse of battle, the Holy Punch must be charged.
Such actions prove worthiness to the Holy Punch; the power will not be wasted. It will remain until the next Holy Punch.

Mandate Seven: Should two Holy Punches ever collide and negate one another, the match is to be stopped and called with those two Falcons as victors.
Such a feat can only end with this, as this scenario results in the pure scathing of the surrounding vicinity. This is the raw power of the Holy Punch; no one is spared. Both Falcons win and progress.

Mandate Eight: All Knees of Justice and Holy Punches must be immediately followed by commanding moves to be shown.
If in the air, the combo must be broken and the command must be uttered upon reaching the ground. If already on the ground, the command must take place within mere split-seconds of the attack.
Addendum: The only exception to this rule is to if the Holy Punch or Knee of Justice is the first link to one of the two Sacred Combos— Knee-to-Punch or Punch-to-Knee. The risk-reward factor is enough to warrant such.

Mandate Nine: Should an enemy be felled by the blessed act of Falcon Impregnation, kneel.
There is no joy in destroying the next link in the future of the Holy Punch. A prayer for those lost is all that can be offered.

Mandate Ten: No mercy.
While you may honor your foes, keep in mind that they are not your fellow Falcons and therefore not your brothers-in-Punches. They are not to be spared any suffering. The body of a Falcon is a weapon unto itself, and the purpose of any weapon is to destroy.
Addendum: Falcos and Ganondorfs are to be met with extreme prejudice. Do not simply fell them. Torment them and make them rue the day that they were ever confused with the greatness of the Holy Punch.
Second Addendum: Though they will still fall victim to might, Kirbys will be allowed to copy at any and every chance, as it increases the greatness of the Holy Punch.

And now, my fellow children, let us pray.

Our Captain, who art in Port Town, hallowed be thine moves.
Thine epicness come, thine moves be done, on Earth as in Smash Bros.
Give us today our daily win, and forgive us our noobishness, as we pwn those who taunt against us.
Save us from the time of fail, and deliver us from Goroh
For the KO, the win, and the Smash Ball are yours, now and forever.

We believe in one Captain,
the Falcon, the Almighty,
maker of Melee and of Brawl,
of all that is, played and unplayed.

We believe in one Lord, Ganondorf,
the only clone of Captain Falcon,
eternally begotten of the Captain,
knee from knee, pawnch from pawnch,
true 'Dorf from true Captain,
begotten, not made,
one in move set with the Captain.
Through the Captain all things were pwned.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from F-Zero:
by the power of the Falcon Punch,
he came in a car name the Blue Falcon,
and manliness was made.

For our sake he was nerfed under Masahiro Sakurai;
he suffered loss and was buried.
On the third day he pwned again
in accordance with the FAQs;
he ascended into Brawl
and is seated by the Master Hand.
He will come again in glory
to pwn the noobs and the trolls,
and his asskicking will have no end.

We believe in the Falcon Punch, the standard B, the giver of pain,
which proceeds from the Captain.
With the Captain and the 'Dorf,
it is worshipped and glorified.
He has spoken through the taunts.
We believe in One Holy Falconist and freaking l33t Church.
We acknowledge one Knee for the punishment of noobs.
We look for the resurrection of the bread,
and the awesomeness of the sequels to come.

Amen.

Comments

1
TheRealBobMan wrote at 7:37 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
Wow...
typh wrote at 7:51 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
This... is the greatest blog... ever to grace mankind.
Rich Brown wrote at 8:20 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
Wow, I was a captain falcon main in ssb64, and I now feel ashamed that I abandoned him in melee and brawl.
Dabura wrote at 8:48 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
this ****ing blog is the greatest scripture on this Earth
Noctournez wrote at 9:59 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
i've found religion. O_O
TEECO wrote at 10:43 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
*bows head in prayer*
wha... wrote at 11:08 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
shame on all non-falcon users...........
i will memmorize these passages that have been passed down by the great ones.....
this sure beats christianity, islam, buddhism, scientology, by a long shot
JuniorMints wrote at 11:21 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
O
M
G

this was epic.
Scourge wrote at 11:26 PM on Oct 15, 2008 :
THIS WAS THE BEST BLOG I HAVE EVER READ. I SERIOUSLY SAVED THIS ON MY COMP ;^;
Dabura wrote at 10:55 PM on Apr 29, 2009 :
buuuuump
Queen wrote at 5:17 PM on Apr 20, 2010 :
What the ****?
TheRealBobMan wrote at 5:23 PM on Apr 20, 2010 :
Glad to see this thing again. : )
Queen wrote at 5:23 PM on Apr 20, 2010 :
I wish I never saw this...
Kaila wrote at 5:26 PM on Apr 20, 2010 :
Awesome possum. :D
1