My favorite quote? "No johns."

Smashers love saying "no johns." It's what we live by. When our friends cough up sissy excuses to "explain" why they got three-stocked into oblivion, we use "no johns." Its instant satisfaction and pwnage in one fell swoop.

But has "no johns" ever backfired on you? Like, you've been saying "no johns" to people left and right because they've been making sissy excuses all night, and you're pwning people left and right by telling them not to john. But then one time something slips out of your mouth along the lines of, "I lost because I'm using the Wii controller." Then you get slapped with, "No johns, you sissy." Damn.

Only that really was the reason you lost. You really did lose because you were using the Wii-mote; for years you've used only the GameCube controller, but there were no GameCube controllers available at the moment. So you had to use the Wii-mote.

This situation basically sucks. Losing because of the Wii-mote is absolutely the truth, but telling the truth means you're making a john. But if you don't make the john, people will think that's how you really play and they'll think you suck. But technically you're not supposed to be making johns, so you're just going to have to let people think you suck. Damn.

Why do Smashers make johns? Well, of course, Smashers make johns because they're afraid of looking bad in front of other Smashers. People subconsciously deduce that if they don't say anything after losing, others will think they really play that way. Johning, then, is an indirect way of saying, "Well, you know, I didn't play my best, so I could have beaten that guy if [insert reason that distracted player from playing at peak level] didn't happen." Hey, it's a fact of life. We all do it sometime.

What kind of johner are you? Are you a habitual johner? Do you never john? Do you make johns that would never fly under any circumstances? Or do you only make valid johns (if these kinds of johns even exist)? How would you rank yourself on the johning scale? (See below.)

The johning scale

• The anti-johner: Never johns. Says "no johns" to everybody and frustrates everybody by never johning, thereby never allowing anybody to say "no johns" to him. Despised by johners everywhere.

• The what-is-a-john?-er: Never johns. In fact, this person congratulates her opponent and always says nice things after a match. Never says "no johns" to anyone. Loved by everyone because she's a trooper and because she doesn't needle anyone with "no johns."

• The johning-but-not-really-johning-er: Someone who you think is johning but you can't really tell if he's johning. He'll use pseudo-johns like "Maybe I shouldn't have used Ganondorf." Avoids the wrath of anti-johners while still being able to john unscathed.

• The truthful johner: Only makes valid johns. She'll say, "That guy knocked the controller out of my hands in the middle of the match." But someone will still say "no johns," because people are mean like that.

• Novice johner: Makes really bad johns that people can see right through. Usually creates the most hilarious johns.

• Sir Johns-a-lot: Self-explanatory.

• Might-as-well-change-name-to-John-er: Johns way too often. Even people who john say "no johns" to him.

So, which one are you? Or are you in another class entirely? Personally, I'm usually a hybrid between an anti-johner, a what-is-a-john?-er, and a johning-but-not-really-johning-er. But when I get hit by "no johns," I usually deserve it. Then I just sit there and say, "Yeah, you're right."

How do you react when someone says "no johns" to you? Like I said, I usually agree with any "no johns" I get because they're usually deserved. But one of my friends gets pretty riled up when he gets "no johns." He'll actually start debating with you about why his reason for losing was valid. Just yesterday he was defending himself by saying he lost because he was talking to the two other friends who were sitting in the same room as us. He fought a losing battle for the longest time. His john wasn't funny; it was his insistence on arguing his paper-thin john that made us laugh. No johns, Sir Johns-a-lot.

Johns, however, aren't always entirely bad. The funny johns are the ones we can release stress over and save for good memories. We might even create collections of johns for the world to see.

And of course, veteran Smashers have heard countless johns over their careers. Let's see what some of them count as their favorite john experiences:

• HugS: "The funniest johns I have ever experienced were always from [top Smash player]. A while back I was beating him in a tournament and he kept scooting closer to the TV. He would lean in, squint his eyes, and say, "I can't see!" Another time he said his controller was messed up. That's a normal john, but the thing is, he changed his controller about eight times throughout our set. I've never heard of eight controllers messing up on the same day."

• nealdt: "When Wife lost to SilentSpectre at MLG Anaheim 2006 (?) and complained, 'It's not fair, east coast doesn't have any good Falcons.'"

• Edrees: "The funniest one was this guy who challenged me online on Facebook at UCSD. He only played lightning mode, and when I told him, "Let's play normal mode," he said I only won because we were playing snail mode."

• Forward: "It was at LTEC2 in 2007, me versus Shiz in grand finals, final game, Falco ditto on Brinstar, last stocks, high percentages. He dairs the top platform, I jump to bair him as he hits it, he d-smashes me. I john and say that his d-smash was accidental, and that he meant to drop through the platform and dair. I would have won if he didn't mess up. Or maybe I should say, he won because he messed up."

• PC Chris: "I don't know if a lot of people know or remember MOFO, the technical Fox/Falco player from Melee. He really relied on his technical abilities so if he wasn't playing well he'd always make the funniest johns. Like, 'I can't drill waveshine infinite cuz of that General Tso's chicken.' He'd use any outside factor basically to make a john."

Also: Do these guys john?

• HugS: "I'm a huge johner. I won't deny it. I rarely take a loss without giving excuses for losing. It took me a long time to figure out the difference between an 'excuse' and a 'reason.' A reason is an explanation for what actually happened. An excuse is an explanation in lieu of what actually happened. When someone asks, 'How did you lose?', the reason would be, 'Because he beat me.' The excuse would be, 'Because I wasn't warmed up.' I give a lot of excuses because I don't feel I should lose to people that aren't as good as me, even though it does happen every now and then. It takes something amazing to make me say, 'He's just better than me,' à la M2K and Ken, to name a few."

• nealdt: "I guess my only johns are Wi-Fi lag johns and 'I don't actually play this game' johns."

• Edrees: "I don't john at all. I've never johned about a tournament loss except once in my life despite hundreds of tournaments. And my john was legit cuz my controller wouldn't let me put in inputs in the middle of the match. ^_^ So I lost two stocks after that happened since I couldn't participate anymore. But other than that... I don't john." [Edrees also added about johns, "You shouldn't make them too vocal even if they're true... kind of like fouls in the NBA." Haha.]

• Forward: "I would say I'm at the lowest level of johning. But that itself is a john. Everything is a john; saying "you're good" is a john. "Good game" is a john. The only way to not john is to be silent, but then that's just silent johns. So there is no escaping johns -- they are everywhere."

• PC Chris: "Yeah, I make johns occasionally but it's usually not something so ridiculous. Usually like not sleeping enough or cold hands or not warmed up, etc. But all of that doesn't matter in Brawl since there's like no tech skill LOL."

Ah, johns. Gotta love 'em. They can be hilariously funny, annoyingly stupid, utterly bizarre, or something else entirely. Either way, they hold a special place in our hearts. Let's hope that doesn't change anytime soon.